Go Away

I hate you. With every fiber of my being I hate you. You are a weight tied to my ankles in this sea. There are times that I feel I have bested you. I feel happy and free. I forget about you and move on. Then something happens or nothing happens at all and you are back at my side like an unwanted follower. You gut my insides and make me feel hollow and dead. You sit on my chest and make it difficult for me to breath. You stand in between me and others. You silently whisper in my ear, convince me that I'm not good enough. You hang my mistakes on trees for me to see and you openly mock me for them.  You make want to withdraw and be alone.

I don't know what you are. A curse, a demon, a chemical imbalance, a mental illness...

All I know is I don't want you. You draining me, feeding on me, killing me.

Jesus, I need you to save me today.

From Me, To Me

If you are going to do something, do it with passion. Let go of your reserve. Put your all into it. Put the past behind you where it belongs and move forward to where you are going. Be yourself, be creative, be caring. If someone doesn't like you for you, screw em. Love your family, love your friends, love your enemies.  Breath. Rest. Cry. Laugh. SMILE. Drop your chains where Jesus broke them. You don't need to carry them anymore.

Dear Greyson, What's going on?

I am in the process of learning the true nature of depression. It's more of a realization within myself. I've been guilty of assuming that depression is a symptom of your emotions of the day. I've constantly thought that it just had something to do with how your day/week/month was going. Something superficial. All the while turning a blind eye to my own struggle with this issue. I sometimes catch myself judging other people and asking myself, "why can't they just be happy"? After all, happiness is a matter of perspective right?

So now that I've made the decision to actually look at myself and judge myself in where I am, things seem to me a bit clearer. Though not a "happy I completely understand myself now" clearer. I find myself in bouts. Times where I don't think anyone or anything could make me happy. I don't want to do my photography. I don't want to watch TV. I don't want to go on my computer. I just want to go to bed, and make it stop. So looking at this mood more closely, is this really a result of just whats happening to me a the time? Or is it something deeper, a chemical imbalance or a mental disorder...or both?

If you took a look at my life you would probably wonder why I get depressed at all. I have an amazingly beautiful wife who's only want from me is my attention and my love. I have an adorable foster son who I can't help but feeling good when he calls me daddy, or tells me he loves me.  I have a comfortable apartment, all the photography gear I could ever need. And, a brand spanken new computer to use along side of them.

So is it really an issue of just not being grateful for what I have? I'll be the first to admit that I am a selfish person. But I can also admit that I really do appreciate what God has given to me in an abundance. So the real question I have for myself is, "what's going on in there Greyson"? I've recently learned a lot about my family. Turns out my grandfather suffered from depression. I know my dad does too,  and can't say for sure about the rest of my family. Though It appears that sometimes they are depressed as well.

Knowing this, what I'm really wondering is this something that is really fixable through talking it out or changing my situation? Or, is it something that need deeper study. Is it something that I'm just going to have to accept and realize that I'm going to be battling this for my entire life? It's not something that usually stays with me for long periods of time. In fact I mostly have days that start off bad and end up better, or vise versa. I CERTAINLY know that my lack of sleep and my job are not helping.

Right now all I can do is be thankful that I do have a loving savior to guide me through the darkness and to wrestle the demons in my heart and my mind. I also have a wife that is nothing but supportive of me and my needs and struggles.

Right now, I'm feeling quite at peace.

Save Me

I would like to apologize  in advance to anyone who actually read this. I do no like to complain about things, but like I said in my first post here, this is an outlet for me. A place to get all those things in my head put down somewhere so I can deal with them. So prepare yourself for some uninteresting stuff.

Lately I seem to be having trouble with shaking the feeling that I am suffocating within my own skin. This is probably the result of quite a few different things. I think the number one issue I am having mentally, physically, and spiritually is my work situation. Yes, I am looking for a new job. And quite honestly I think that fact is adding to the tension. The fact that I've made the decision to actually get out is there. And now I feel like I'm frantically searching for that door or window to set me free from a house full of smoke. Don't get me wrong, i am insanely fortunate to even have employment this day an age. But I've notices that no matter how many times I've reminded myself that...I still feel like I'm being closed in on.

It's like this. I wake up every morning at the same time. My body HATES getting up at 5:45am. Not only does it hate it, but it decides to remind me by exhausting me the entire day. There are seriously times where I catch myself falling asleep sitting or standing up. At work, I do the same thing every day, which is fine. Tons of people do that every day for their job. But for an artist, it's mind numbing. I am someone who LOVES to create. There is nothing creative about doing the same things every day. This would be something I could probably deal with better if I wasn't so tired. Also, if they didn't blare the same radio station every day. This just adds the repetition. And, it's obnoxiously loud, so it's really hard to block out. This is another issue that other people are able to just shrug off, but to me it's like sinking a tiny toothpick deeper and deeper into brain each day. I LOVE music, but I believe that repetition can kill anything for anyone.

Another issue is the time it takes me to get there. One hour each way means I am devoting another two hourse to a place that is already chipping away at my sanity.


OK, I know. I know. I KNOW. That I am not fat. I am however 20 to 30 pounds overweight. Words can not express how much this bothers me. I hate the feeling of being uncomfortable in my own skin. I HATE it. Yes, my diet could use some work. And yes, I do have an overeating problem that needs to be kicked in the butt. But, I feel my biggest issue is the lack of exercise. It's not that I don't like to exercise. In fact, I love it! I love running and sweating and getting my heart rate up. Time is the key that I lack to this puzzle. I can't makes myself wake up any earlier, that will only kill me further. And when I get home, I am exhausted and most of the time can not push myself to get changed, and walk down the the gym at the end of the apartment complex.I just feel that right now, at the the root of all my problems is this job. I don't have time or energy to do my photography most nights, which is really important to me. I don't have the time or energy to exercise. Me being tired makes relating to people and people relating to me difficult as well. 

It is painfully obvious that I am still in need of a Savior.

Rushed

I feel as if I'm being rushed through everything lately. At work, there is no pausing or thinking. There is only be busy or look busy. I can't relax. I'm always feeling as if I'm being watched and judged. I can not pause and find a quite corner to breath. That's all I really crave right now is some peace. I want to able to think and be me without feeling judged. I want to be home with Sarah and Jordan, just being us.Just living in the moment,the three of us walking somewhere in the warm sun, nothing needed to be done. Nowhere we have to go. I feel like this place I'm in is stealing that from me. I become bitter and angry.
I also kind of feel a bit stressed about not having my computer set up completely for photography. I just haven't had the time to get everything done. And I know that this crash and getting a new one with new programs is still a major hault in my workflow. I also know I'm going to need time to learn things. This is another thing I feel work is stealing from me.

It's not that 8 hours is all that much. It's the extra 2+ driving all the way out here.
I'm just happy I am ready to move on.

I'm standing right here

Sometimes I find my level of ignorability hard to cope with. It sometimes feels like I'm trying break through a glass barrier by throwing rubber erasers at it.

A Love Letter

Dearest Friend,

I feel as if you and I have traveled so far to this place. This place with my bare feet dug into the sand of  holy ground. With the fire of your morning light touching my skin and the gentle whisper of your voice echoing through the silent stones.

Yes dear Friend, we have come so far from that shadow of darkness. There was a time where I doubted your presence. Where life and all its bitter sting weighed heavy on my heart. I could not see past my own sorrow. I could not see through to you, waiting patiently for me to come and receive your comfort. I remember still the heartbreak brought from life's persistent losses. I remember the death, abandonment, and disappointment that this world seemed to heap upon my head like burning coals. But still even though I could not see you, you were there carrying me through. Leading me on and up to this place.

There have been times where I was angered by you. By your very existence. But, I could not say that I really knew you all that well, could I? My whole life has been full of those telling me who you are and who you are not. So many people have used you to justify their humanity and their sin. Your true nature masked behind misunderstanding and deceit.  Your plans for me blocked by my false opinion of you and by my stubborn heart.

I remember our once so frequent conversations. Staring out the window watching the fog covered mountains and rivers flow by like a dream. I told you of my cares and my wishes. All the things that weighed so heavy on my mind. You listened as I described my struggles to find meaning. You mended me in my brokeness more times than I can count.You showed me comfort in impossible situations. You listened as I cried out for understanding. You alone were the one who knew me completely. My ins and outs, what made me tick. After all you made me.

So when I call you dearest friend, I should really say dearest Father. For you have been nothing short of my savior, my protector,  and my counselor. When you sent your son to be slaughtered by the hands of men and their sin,  you thought of me.  You knew the price was great and the burden was heavy. But in your great and boundless love you had to rescue me from the darkness. You had to make sure that we could be together.

Knowing all this how could I not give my life, heart, and breath to you? We have come all this way together. We still have so far to go.

So while we are here in this place of infinite peace and beauty, finally meeting with the clarity you and I sought so hard after. Let this testimony and these words and even the steady beating of my heart be a covenant between you and I.  A promise to never settle for anything less then your will for my life. A plan for me to get to you, and to be a beacon for all those still crawling helplessly through the darkness. Let me be all that you created me to be and more.

Forever Yours