I am in the process of learning the true nature of depression. It's more of a realization within myself. I've been guilty of assuming that depression is a symptom of your emotions of the day. I've constantly thought that it just had something to do with how your day/week/month was going. Something superficial. All the while turning a blind eye to my own struggle with this issue. I sometimes catch myself judging other people and asking myself, "why can't they just be happy"? After all, happiness is a matter of perspective right?
So now that I've made the decision to actually look at myself and judge myself in where I am, things seem to me a bit clearer. Though not a "happy I completely understand myself now" clearer. I find myself in bouts. Times where I don't think anyone or anything could make me happy. I don't want to do my photography. I don't want to watch TV. I don't want to go on my computer. I just want to go to bed, and make it stop. So looking at this mood more closely, is this really a result of just whats happening to me a the time? Or is it something deeper, a chemical imbalance or a mental disorder...or both?
If you took a look at my life you would probably wonder why I get depressed at all. I have an amazingly beautiful wife who's only want from me is my attention and my love. I have an adorable foster son who I can't help but feeling good when he calls me daddy, or tells me he loves me. I have a comfortable apartment, all the photography gear I could ever need. And, a brand spanken new computer to use along side of them.
So is it really an issue of just not being grateful for what I have? I'll be the first to admit that I am a selfish person. But I can also admit that I really do appreciate what God has given to me in an abundance. So the real question I have for myself is, "what's going on in there Greyson"? I've recently learned a lot about my family. Turns out my grandfather suffered from depression. I know my dad does too, and can't say for sure about the rest of my family. Though It appears that sometimes they are depressed as well.
Knowing this, what I'm really wondering is this something that is really fixable through talking it out or changing my situation? Or, is it something that need deeper study. Is it something that I'm just going to have to accept and realize that I'm going to be battling this for my entire life? It's not something that usually stays with me for long periods of time. In fact I mostly have days that start off bad and end up better, or vise versa. I CERTAINLY know that my lack of sleep and my job are not helping.
Right now all I can do is be thankful that I do have a loving savior to guide me through the darkness and to wrestle the demons in my heart and my mind. I also have a wife that is nothing but supportive of me and my needs and struggles.
Right now, I'm feeling quite at peace.
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