Save Me

I would like to apologize  in advance to anyone who actually read this. I do no like to complain about things, but like I said in my first post here, this is an outlet for me. A place to get all those things in my head put down somewhere so I can deal with them. So prepare yourself for some uninteresting stuff.

Lately I seem to be having trouble with shaking the feeling that I am suffocating within my own skin. This is probably the result of quite a few different things. I think the number one issue I am having mentally, physically, and spiritually is my work situation. Yes, I am looking for a new job. And quite honestly I think that fact is adding to the tension. The fact that I've made the decision to actually get out is there. And now I feel like I'm frantically searching for that door or window to set me free from a house full of smoke. Don't get me wrong, i am insanely fortunate to even have employment this day an age. But I've notices that no matter how many times I've reminded myself that...I still feel like I'm being closed in on.

It's like this. I wake up every morning at the same time. My body HATES getting up at 5:45am. Not only does it hate it, but it decides to remind me by exhausting me the entire day. There are seriously times where I catch myself falling asleep sitting or standing up. At work, I do the same thing every day, which is fine. Tons of people do that every day for their job. But for an artist, it's mind numbing. I am someone who LOVES to create. There is nothing creative about doing the same things every day. This would be something I could probably deal with better if I wasn't so tired. Also, if they didn't blare the same radio station every day. This just adds the repetition. And, it's obnoxiously loud, so it's really hard to block out. This is another issue that other people are able to just shrug off, but to me it's like sinking a tiny toothpick deeper and deeper into brain each day. I LOVE music, but I believe that repetition can kill anything for anyone.

Another issue is the time it takes me to get there. One hour each way means I am devoting another two hourse to a place that is already chipping away at my sanity.


OK, I know. I know. I KNOW. That I am not fat. I am however 20 to 30 pounds overweight. Words can not express how much this bothers me. I hate the feeling of being uncomfortable in my own skin. I HATE it. Yes, my diet could use some work. And yes, I do have an overeating problem that needs to be kicked in the butt. But, I feel my biggest issue is the lack of exercise. It's not that I don't like to exercise. In fact, I love it! I love running and sweating and getting my heart rate up. Time is the key that I lack to this puzzle. I can't makes myself wake up any earlier, that will only kill me further. And when I get home, I am exhausted and most of the time can not push myself to get changed, and walk down the the gym at the end of the apartment complex.I just feel that right now, at the the root of all my problems is this job. I don't have time or energy to do my photography most nights, which is really important to me. I don't have the time or energy to exercise. Me being tired makes relating to people and people relating to me difficult as well. 

It is painfully obvious that I am still in need of a Savior.

Rushed

I feel as if I'm being rushed through everything lately. At work, there is no pausing or thinking. There is only be busy or look busy. I can't relax. I'm always feeling as if I'm being watched and judged. I can not pause and find a quite corner to breath. That's all I really crave right now is some peace. I want to able to think and be me without feeling judged. I want to be home with Sarah and Jordan, just being us.Just living in the moment,the three of us walking somewhere in the warm sun, nothing needed to be done. Nowhere we have to go. I feel like this place I'm in is stealing that from me. I become bitter and angry.
I also kind of feel a bit stressed about not having my computer set up completely for photography. I just haven't had the time to get everything done. And I know that this crash and getting a new one with new programs is still a major hault in my workflow. I also know I'm going to need time to learn things. This is another thing I feel work is stealing from me.

It's not that 8 hours is all that much. It's the extra 2+ driving all the way out here.
I'm just happy I am ready to move on.